By Sergio Rodríguez Gelfenstein
– Hello, office of the Lima group?
- Yes good afternoon. What do you need?
– Please, I would like to speak with the President of Peru.
- Can’t answer. He is very busy trying not to have his name on the list of corrupt presidents behind bars. Imagine that one of them even killed himself.
– Ah, excuse me. Do not worry. Can I speak with the president of Argentina?
- Can’t answer. He is packing his bags because he’s leaving.
– Is he going on a trip?
- Yes, he will leave the Casa Rosada, because he was beaten in the elections that have meant great dark eye bags, many wrinkles and an exacerbation of his usual state of disturbance.
– Well, then put me in contact with the president of Chile.
- Can’t answer. At this time he is at his grandson’s birthday and then goes home to hide protected by the armed forces and carabineros, very scared by the large demonstrations of students who seem to have get tired of so much abuse, lies, and corruption.
– I understand, but could I speak with the president of Honduras?
- Can’t answer. A US prosecutor accused him of being a drug dealer, imprisoned his brother for the same thing and is negotiating to see if it is possible to save himself from jail.
– Big problems, but, if the president of Brazil should be around —
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- He is still here but can’t answer the phone. He is afraid that he will be insulted as racist, misogynist, destroyer of the environment, homophobic, ignorant, mindless, for apologizing to the dictatorship and for so many other things, that sometimes he even “gets sick” so as to not show his face.
-Would it be that I can, then talk to the president of Guyana?
- Can’t answer. Unfortunately he is very sick and the country is semi paralyzed. It is not known when it can return to normal.
– Ah. I didn’t know, I hope he gets well soon to see if I can talk to him. And the president of Costa Rica? Maybe he can give me a few minutes.
- Can’t answer. He has unstoppable diarrhea since Venezuela won the elections for a seat in the UN Human Rights Council. Trump called him and told him that he was useless and that despite the fact that the United States put pressure on many countries in the world and distributed money everywhere, he was unable to beat a blocked and cornered country.
– Yes, it’s pathetic. Then put me in contact with the prime minister of Canada.
- Can’t answer. He is in an election campaign, very terrified because there is a possibility that citizens will not confirm him in office. His subordination to the United States, even though Trump has humiliated him several times, is not well regarded by some people and he is very afraid of losing the elections
– Ah. It is true. Sorry. I had forgotten. Then, please, contact me with the president of Panama.
- Can’t answer. He has doubts about what he is going to say. He does not know if he is from the left or from the right and faced with the need to assume a position before the United States, he preferred to kneel rather than defend the dignity of his country, that has him dismayed and somehow stunned.
– What a pity. He looks like Martín Torrijos who tried to be extreme center like Michelle Bachelet.
- I don’t know, miss, that’s your opinion, not mine. My function is just to answer the phone.
– Yes, in any case it seems that you have little work lately. Please tell the president of Guatemala that I only need a few minutes
- The outgoing or the incoming?
– At this point I don’t care.
- The outgoing is already leaving and is very busy trying to cover all his acts of corruption, which has him very busy and I do not think he can speak.
-And the incoming?
- He is Italian, he travels with a passport from that country. He seems to be ashamed of being Guatemalan. In addition, he is quite limited. I don’t think he wants to talk to you.
– How difficult this task has been done. I am getting worried, but the president of Colombia will surely want to talk to me.
- Can’t answer. He spends all day talking to Senator Uribe who is the one who gives the orders. And the rest of the time, he uses to falsify photos to present in international organizations and making a great effort so that it is not known that he is protecting the paramilitaries who assassinate social and human rights leaders in Colombia. Of course, he can do it because he is supported by the United States and the big information transnationals. All this makes him extremely busy.
– Then the president of Paraguay can offer me some ideas.
- It’s hard miss, that man doesn’t have …
-Do not have time?
- No, he has no ideas. It is so gross that he wanted to give away the Itaipu hydroelectric power plant, the biggest patrimony of Paraguay to Brazil in secret, but everything was discovered and he is on a tight rope. For now he was saved thanks to a call that Trump made to the president of Congress to paralyze the impeachment process, but the vice president and the chancellor had to leave.
– So there is no one?
- The truth is they are all very busy and worried, but maybe you can talk to the boss.
– And who is the boss?
- Well, now that they threw out John Bolton, President Trump is exercising it directly.
– Ah. Very well, please ask if he can assist me.
- Miss, I consulted, but in his office they told me that between Putin and Xi Jinping they have him crazy, he is also deciding who he presses and who sanctions today. They told me that he is in a very bad mood because he has not been able to resolve the issue of Cuba, or that of Venezuela, nor that of Iran or North Korea. And now even his friends from Europe, Saudi Arabia and Turkey betrayed him and he will have to punish them too.
– How terrible. And then is there no one in the Lima group that can talk to me?
- Not really, miss. Here, between you and me, this is winding down and I think they have left me to close the door, put the lock and hang a sign – which is already done – on the door.
– And what does the poster say?
“Definitely closed due to manifest incapacity of its members.”
Translated by JRE/EF